Child favoritism in a divorce is quite typical. It existed prior to the divorce and in every normal parental relationship. Don’t tell Mom because she will kill us while Dad won’t or visa versa. Children know which parent to choose for their wants or needs. Normally each parent assists the other to balance out these affects. But those are not the only instances of favoritism.
Younger children often gravitate toward a nurturing mother and as children grow it often goes back and forth. As the children grow and learn, so too do the parents often helping to find common ground and balance in the family dynamics. By the time children reach adulthood, they generally recognize differences and the value of both parents.
Throw in divorce, anger, narcissism, selfishness, money, and the courts and the outcome will be much different. A parent seeking to “win” over the other can have dramatic and long term influence on the children’s perspective. Manipulative narcissistic parents can cause children to believe the other is bad and it was their own conclusion. Parents that simply denigrate the other or do not have good manipulative skills often end up the looser. Children being children, their comprehension and understanding can easily be easily altered.
Money or the lack of it will influence children of divorce and courts don’t help. Often the court will punish the perceived breadwinner by burdening them with high or disproportionate levels of alimony and child support such that the parent cannot afford a home in which to have children. With one home the “have” and the other the “have not”, children automatically gravitate to home with all their things. Add the court’s skewed parenting time easily established through out right lies and its almost a forced influence. This is not say there are no cases where one parent simply isn’t suitable, but the negative consequences and influence of the court cannot be overstated. More often than anyone would care to admit it is a selfish or narcissistic parent working to destroy the children’s relationship with the other at the root.
If the un-favoured parent manages to create some sort of relationship, favoritism isn’t far behind. General lack of respect and minimal effort towards this relationship are sure signs it is alive and well. If the children have their own, they pledge not to bring them up like their parents. Struggling to “raise them differently” they unwittingly make the same mistakes as the courts. While claiming a relationship or time with a grandchild is not a prize they rewarded one grandparent with much more time than the denigrated one. If that parent re-marries, they may simply transpose negatives to the new partner granting access only if the new partner isn’t involved. This manipulative conduct is no better than the divorcing parent’s conduct was.
New parents believe they are doing the right thing while failing to recognize how the manipulative and narcissistic behaviors witnessed as a child are embedded in their own thought processes. The result is another generation denied. The right to understand one’s own character traits, hopes, desires, and medical quirks is removed in the name of “raising them differently” as inevitably one parent is favored over the other. Some children grow up to recognize this and get help, but for those subjected to the subtleties of narcissistic or manipulative behavior it may never be fully grasped. It isn’t just the children who are victims, but the denigrated parent and grandchildren as well.
The grandchild is denied developing a proper relationship with one grandparent and that grandparent is denied a future that includes that grandchild so the issue becomes generational. It is no wonder why God hates divorce. The effects are far reaching, long lasting, negative, and generational.