Call it what you will, estrangement by adult children leaves most feeling rejected. Despite best efforts, it can happen for reasons from disagreements, arguments, or as fallout from divorce alienation. Regardless, it’s consequences remain, and the pain somehow never completely goes away.
Sometimes the real reasons behind the precipitating issues are well known yet those stemming from the results of divorce alienation are often a mystery to the receiving parent. Despite best efforts and for no obvious or apparent reasons the adult children simply choose not to respond or worse yet, suddenly lash out in anger with vague accusations followed by permanent no contact.
For the estranged parent, the experience can be devastating. The desire to impart wisdom and share in the growth and life of the children is strong – even more as they marry and have children of their own. Opportunities to love, cherish, and help as children and grandchildren grow is suddenly and forcefully taken away. No words seem adequate in describing the loss, despair, and anguish the estranged parent must endure.
It is difficult to say if continued attempts to re-connect are worth the effort or if leaving well enough alone is the better option. Each situation is unique but all too often effort goes without results or becomes unidirectional at best. Both parties loose precious time that could have been used to build positive memories yet the desire of the children to rectify the issues seems non existent as they become busy with their own lives. Eventually, there is no turning back.
Personally, after years of effort resulting in less acknowledgment than a typical stranger would receive, I stopped trying. It isn’t that I do not wish to have a good relationship with my children, but rather a recognition that I alone cannot facilitate it. Whatever the issues are, I will likely never know nor does it appear there will ever be a time of understanding and moving beyond the silliness of grudges, disagreements, and zero contact. I am deeply dismayed and saddened that I will never be able to impart anything to my own children and that I mean less to them then the casual relations they experience in life.
When these same issues repeat in a spouse or partners situation, it only servers as a stark and consistent reminder. Watching the struggle unfold and experiencing similar rejection makes one more sympathetic towards those feeling bitterness over child estrangements. It would be easy enough to go in that direction, but equally futile.
The obvious reality is that change will not occur unless they (the children) are willing and to expend time and energy only to be ignored as if I never existed is not a healthy alternative. Instead, life goes on with other pursuits which bring meaning and satisfaction. There is always the hope that it may be different in the future, but the realization is there that it may never be. It is imperative therefore to live life as it stands making the best of all else.